new literary journal new literary journal new literary journal

is called: Giraffe Swimming Pool.

tagline (journals have taglines, right?): Our Stories are Really Deep.

first theme issue: Domestic Realism.

first guest editor: David Lynch.

Submission guidelines: Only paper submissions of stories from 10 to 12 pages in Cambria twelve point font. Please staple manuscripts together along the edge of the manuscript, the staples touching all the way down the page (roughly 22 staples; it's not that expensive). If there are less than 22 staples or more or less than 10 to 12 pages, the manuscripts will be returned with lewd drawings and mockery of the prose. If you would like to submit a review, you are not allowed to review a poetry book, a chapbook of any kind, a book published by an independent press, a book published by an author held in esteem in any genre that might be considered "experimental" or "innovative" or "language-y" or "conceptual" or "magically realistic" or "science fiction" or "horror-like poe stories masquerading as literary experiment"; ie, you must review a current book in the top ten of the New York Times Best Seller list, an example being "The Help." If you write a story in the voice of Darth Vader as Gordon Lish about a story Annakin Skywalker as Gordon Lish once wrote and published for a childhood friend to fulfill a promise you will certainly be published.

penis size: Less than 9 inches. Let's be reasonable.

vagina size: if elliptical, then the eccentricity of the ellipse should be no larger than 3 inches, please. If circular, please query the editor.

Please attach, along with your story or review, the answers to the following questions:

1. Have you ever thought something dead smelled kind of good?

2. Have you ever been to jail? What did you think (either of jail or about)?

3. Have you ever seen an animal do like a really weird thing (not like calculus or anything, just something weird) and then think, maybe they're all just fucking with us.

4. Do you think writers should get "fail" cards and that these "fail" cards should be publicly announced by some authoritative law-group policing writing and writers? Such that when a writer receives a "fail" card one never has to read that writer's work ever again (it would really help, there's a lot of stuff out there)? Like, should this same policing group give writers "success" cards? Stipulation: once a card is given, that card cannot, under any circumstances, be revoked.

5. Do you think David Lynch should have to make a Domestic Realism movie?

6. Do you think Ramin Bahrani should have to make a Beckettian/Tarkovsky-like horror film about a European Futball star?

7. What do you think of the new world cup Jubulani ball?

8. Which: Early or late Wittgenstein, Taoism, Tibetan Buddhism, Existentialism, Hegelian Dialectic (I know, sorry, some people), Nietzsche, or, I don't know, Leibniz?

9. Do you think Suttree is by far Cormac McCarthy's best novel and that Blood Meridian, on second thought, is actually sort of boring despite all the violence?

10. What did you score on SATs?

Thank you for your interest in Giraffe Swimming Pool.