something i wrote to someone and have someone to thank for making me think it

One of the things I’m trying to get away from is making logic from the chaos of our lives, either in life or in story.   Also, at the same time that I’ve become more and more interested in very particular things in writing, I also no longer care about “stories” and whether a story is a “good” story or a “bad” story.  Like, so many stories that I read are “good” that it seems pointless in even thinking about them like that.  All I’m interested in now is writing that (and this doesn’t necessarily mean it has to look like life) has the force of reality of language or thought or experience, and that is often coming in unconventional forms. What I mean is that when I write now I’m not trying to write a story, though I’m also not thinking “I’m going to challenge ideas of scene and conflict and action.”  Like the initial draft of the Buddhist was something like 60 pages, but I was never concerned with telling a story or challenging the idea of story as much as conveying some sense of whatever is real (for the Buddhist, the framework for that is highly determined to some point, though there are cracks).  

I think two things: 1) that language that serves to tell a story (lyrically or poetically or not) is often less interesting to me than language that is the “story” and/or that is a reality unto itself.  And 2a) I don't even believe in "story" any more, except as a thing that either subtly or directly points out that it’s aware that it is a complete and total fiction and in that awareness the truth that there is no story, neither on a page nor in life/reality, and therefore, 2b) I'm mainly interested in writing that either is, or points the reader toward, a direct experience of reality experiencing itself as reality or of consciousness experiencing itself as consciousness, however clearly or delude-ly.