unimpatient

i want to learn how to not want. i think the only thing getting in the way of myself right now is wanting too much. i ate an enormous red-velvet cupcake and had serious feelings of being a failure. i have been in something like two real car crashes, i have hit one deer but not killed it, and i have known several people who have gone to jail for writing bad checks - i tell each of these stories when drinking with a great amount of pride, which i then try to conceal. the only thing stopping me from quitting what i'm doing right now is probably cowardice. i'm trying to find a way to turn off my brain and let a story happen. this is the opposite of what i did last semester, which was write in third person. i'm not really sure i can write in the third person, but i spent a year working on it. i have almost nothing to show for that, which i say with a great amount of pride while trying to conceal it. i plan on getting very drunk tomorrow and i'm most looking forward to the hangover, when i can walk through the world with enough connections in my brain burned away that i won't be selfconscious, looking at myself looking. if i could burn enough of my brain away, i once believed, i could live sort of like a monk, only i wouldn't have to do as much work to get there. it was such a bad lie. then my body started feeling really bad and i gave all that up pretty quick. if i would've properly rehabed my sprained ankles i wouldn't have had to sit out a month from running and both my achilles wouldn't feel like they're about to snap now. the days are getting longer and the trees are beginning their budding just because, i'm trying to watch without watching.